


You & I

by ifyouseekzaddy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:59:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifyouseekzaddy/pseuds/ifyouseekzaddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Zayn leaves and Harry tries to pretend he's okay</p>
            </blockquote>





	You & I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Wavesinger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wavesinger/gifts).



> Hi!!! Hopefully this is what you were looking for!! Big shout out to my beta for really coming through on this!!!!

It wasn’t supposed to end like this. All the times he’d played it out in his head it was never supposed to end like this. He never thought Zayn would actually leave, or bail as Louis called it. Zayn hadn’t left them, not really--he’d left managment, the relentless touring, and the constant pressing pain on his chest that he’d spent years pretending wasn’t there. But not them, never them. Or, well, that was Harry told himself.  
Harry tried to get that, to understand, he really did. Even more so because he wanted to believe it. But it was a bit hard when he didn’t even get a full explanation or even a response to his embarrassing amount of text messages. So Harry forced himself to move on, or tried to.  
Unfortunately, Harry didn’t get to play the out of sight, out of mind game. No, Zayn was suddenly everywhere. Going to the Asian Awards, sitting front row at Louis Vuitton, uploading selfies daily. Zayn was everywhere and Harry had to pretend like he wasn’t pining. He did a rather good job, pretending that is, because, after awhile, people stopped with the pitying words and sad glances.  
Then Zayn moved to LA, into Harry’s neighborhood for godsakes, as if nothing was sacred. As if he hadn’t refused to come the many, many, times Harry had asked him over the years. As if he hadn’t always made the excuse it was too far from his family. Harry sent him multiple strongly worded and passive aggressive messages when he first found out. Surprising absolutely no one, he received no response. And he was fine, really, he even said so himself fifty times a day so it must be true.  
Harry hit rock bottom when Zayn and Perrie split for good and he still didn’t get a call. Or a text. Or an email. Or fucking anything. Perrie was the original reason that it ended, that they had to end. Because Zayn was getting married and becoming monogamous. Yet that commitment ended and all Harry got was radio silence. Maybe it wasn’t him or Perrie. Maybe that was the was actual reason, maybe he hadn’t chosen either of them.  
Harry ended up going home for one of his breaks. Home home, all the way to Holmes Chapel rather than LA. For once he relished in the quiet, in the slow pace of everything. He spent the first day asleep, not realizing the exhaustion that sat in his bones till he saw his own bed. The second day was spent watching films and playing Scrabble with his mum and pretending he didn’t notice her worried glances thrown his way. He almost made it through the second day without her saying anything.

Harry had always been a cuddler. He relished in feeling the warmth of another person, in the most innocent way. So him laying with his head in his mother’s lap wasn’t odd or uncommon. They laid peacefully, Anne stroking his overgrown hair and leaving Harry feeling the calmest he had in a long time.  
“How are you doing love?” He knew it was only a matter of time until the worried looks turned into careful questions.

He almost shot out his automatic response of fine, but this was his mum, she already knew. She saw it. She alway had-- from Felicity to Taylor she always knew. “I don’t know,” he said. Because he didn’t. He had worked so hard to convince everyone he was fine, he didn’t know his actual feelings anymore.

“Have you heard from him?” She asked cautiously her voice soft as if she was scared to spooky him.

“No.” He chuckled out angrily, “No I haven’t and, and you’d think that I would’ve! At least he’d speak to me!” His composure was melting the more he thought about it. The more he thought about it, the more it hurt. The more it felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest again but, this time, he wasn’t sure he could pick up the pieces.

“Shhh, you’re alright love.” She stroked his hair as he began to cry into her stomach. He thought he was done with this or, maybe, he’d had just gotten so good at pretending he was that he convinced himself.  
***  
It had been seven months and fifteen days seen Zayn left, not that Harry was counting, when he got the text. He was right in the middle of brunch with Gemma in London when DO NOT ANSWER flashed across his screen. (The name was more to make him feel better than anything else, like he was ignoring Zayn rather than the other way around.) Harry cut off mid laugh and Gemma knew, in the way she always did, exactly who it was.

“You going to check it then?” Her voice and face passive.

“I mean, I should right? It’s probably important? Right?” He hated the nerves in his voice. 

“It seems to me like he owes you an explanation.” Unlike his mother she didn’t beat around the bush. Harry nodded because she was right --he did. But, well, his biggest fear was if what Zayn had to say wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

From: DO NOT ANSWER  
r u gonna b in La?

Twelve letters! Twelve stupid letters! Not even full sentences! He wasn’t surprised, that’s how Zayn always was but that didn’t mean it still didn’t hurt.

To: DO NOT ANSWER  
Perhaps. Why?

From: DO NOT ANSWER  
I want 2cu

I want to see you. I want to see you. The words replayed over and over in his head. He wants to see me.

“What did he say?” Gemma asked knocking him back to reality with a jolt and causing him to almost hit his cup clear off the table. He’d forgotten she was sitting across from him.

“He wants to see me.” No matter how he tried, it didn’t come out even slightly nonchalant, each word dripping with desperation. 

“Well you want you answers right?”

***

He made Zayn wait two weeks before going to see him. Which, in all reality, hurt him much more than it could’ve ever hurt Zayn. But it didn’t matter now because he was back in LA, his home he’d been avoiding. Back to his own neighborhood. Even after all his time away, it still felt like coming home again.

The LA weather reflected his mood, dark and stormy. He’d anticipated warm weather and blue skies but the clouds hovering overhead just seemed to be another disappointment. He double, triple checked the address Zayn had sent him. Anything to stall the walk from his car to Zayn’s door. Before he’d even had a chance to raise his hand to knock, the door was opening.

“Hi, come on in.” Zayn greeted him politely, formally. Harry followed him into the living room looking around as he went. His house was warm, homey. It was lived in with shoes lined up by the door and books scattered across every flat surface. Harry hated that he liked it, that it was the kind of place where he saw himself, that it had the comforting feel he’d tried so hard to achieve but never succeeded in creating. 

“Can I get you anything? A drink maybe?” Zayn offered, and it felt like he was speaking with a stranger rather than- whatever Zayn was to him.

“I’m not really here for a drink am I?” He couldn’t keep the edge out of his voice. Not that Zayn seemed to notice, not responding but just nodding causally.

“Yeah, well I guess you’d like an explanation.” Harry let out a cold laugh and this time Zayn did respond with a hard look. “Don’t get stroppy just listen.”

“I think I have every reason to be stroppy! Do you- do you even have any idea what you’ve done?” His hands clenched into fists and his voice was raising to more of a yell --he didn’t come for a fight but he was ready for one.

“I know!” Zayn’s tone and stature matched Harry’s. “I know exactly what I did! I thought it through! I thought it all through!” They’d always been good at this part, pushing each other, getting under the other’s skin.

“But you never thought to clue me into this plan? You knew what you were doing you just didn’t care what it would do to the rest of us? To me?” Zayn opened his mouth to respond but Harry cut him off. “I can’t do this. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea.” He was up and rushing towards the door before Zayn could blink.

“Harry! Harry!” Zayn chased after him but he only ran faster, out the front door and into the rain that didn’t belong in LA, but maybe they didn’t either. “For christ sakes it’s pouring out here Harry! What’s the matter with you?” 

“What’s the matter with me?” Harry shouted, feeling frantic as he spun to face Zayn.  
“What’s the matter with you?” 

“Come inside. I’m not going to do this like this.” Zayn shook his head at him, as if Harry should have known better than to start an argument on Zayn’s front lawn.

“Maybe I’m tired of doing it your way! Maybe I’m tired of doing everything your way! You don’t get to choose when you want me. You don’t get to-” Harry was so busy yelling and flailing his arms around he didn’t realize Zayn was getting closer until he cut him off with a kiss, hard against his lips. Harry almost melted into it, into Zayn, but, no not this time. It wouldn’t be that easy this time.

“And you certainly don’t get to do that!” Harry shouted as he took a step back. He ignored the way Zayn’s face fell for his own self preservation. It wasn’t fair for him to feel like he was wrong, this time he wasn’t the bad guy.

“Come inside, hear me out.” Zayn grabbed his hand and gave him a little tug, ruining what was left of Harry’s resolve. Against his better judgement he followed Zayn inside, wet feet leaving trails along the new hardwood floors in their wake. Harry refused Zayn’s offer of dry clothes not wanting to commit to staying much longer. He took a seat next to Zayn at the kitchen table a mug of tea in each of their hands. It was made just he way he liked it and he pretended like the blush from Zayn remembering was only from the cold.

“So. I supposed I should start with an apology.” Harry was unable to contain an irritated snort causing Zayn to shoot him a look. “I shouldn’t have left like that and I should’ve called. I just needed to deal with some things.”

“Some things.” Some things. He had to deal with some things. He left the band, he left Harry, to deal with some things. “What things?” He asked harshly.

“I- I wasn’t happy. And I didn’t realize how much until I took a break and then, well I thought I didn’t want anything to do with that life anyone.” Or you anymore.

“Thought.” Past tense. That was good right?

“Yeah, I mean I’ve thought about it and tried to find what makes me happy and I keep coming back to you.” Harry searched his eyes for any deceit or trickery but he couldn’t find traces of any. All he could see was Zayn staring at him, suddenly vulnerable and small. So Harry did the thing that had always come most naturally to them, he kissed him, without a second thought or worry. He grabbed Zayn’s face in his hands and hoped he understood. By the smile playing at his lips, Harry thought he did. 

“So you wanna do this, yeah? Properly? You mean it?” Harry can’t help but ask, needs to hear Zayn say the words.

“I wouldn’t have called you if I didn’t.” Zayn told him seriously.

“Yeah but I want to hear you say it.” He needed to hear him say it. Needed to be able to trap this memory forever. He felt compelled to whip out a camera to have a picture of this moment to put on his bedside so he could stare at it forever.

“I want you. I want you to my boyfriend, my partner. I want to spend everyday with you. I want trips to Bradford. I want Christmas with your family and Ramadan with mine. I want you to embarrass me in front of my aunties because you can’t handle spicy food. I want to be able to watch them fall in love with you anyway. I want everything with you.”

“Okay.” Harry whispered, his eyes filled with tears. Yeah, he really wants to keep this moment forever.  
“It was always going to be you and I in the end, Haz. I just hadn’t realized it yet.”

***  
Harry awoke feeling more well rested than had in months, he attributed that to Zayn’s warm body wrapped around him. He paused for a moment to relish in the feeling. I’d been too long since he had felt Zayn around him, inside him. There wasn’t time to think about that now, no they had talking to do first.

Harry carefully slipped from under Zayn’s arm and removed himself from bed. Tried to move around the still unknown room as quietly as possible only to run into the bedside table. It shook slightly, the lamp almost toppling off. He finched while everything settled then glanced at Zayn who, of course, was still asleep. Without any further incident he walked out of the room and into the hallway. It was odd being in a house he didn’t know. He no longer knew which creaky steps to avoid, where the light switches were located, or how the kitchen was organized. In Zayn’s old house-- or Zayn and Perrie’s old house but he tries to forget that part-- he knew where everything was. Hell, he helped Zayn pick and decorate that house. When Harry was in denial about the state of their relationship he’d pretend it was his house too. That being said Harry was done pretending, done living in a gray area. He wanted answers and he wasn’t going to wait any longer.

Unsurprisingly Zayn woke up around noon and came downstairs to a very awake and anxious Harry. In the time it’d taken Zayn to wake up he’d constructed a plan as well as breakfast. Harry was in the middle of eating his Gluten-free blueberry pancakes at Zayn’s kitchen table. The kind Harry loved and Zayn hated, but Harry wasn’t in the mood to be catering to Zayn.

“Good Morning.” Zayn mumbled still half asleep. He made his way to Harry wrapping his tan arms around him and giving him a sweet kiss to the temple. Harry almost, almost, melted all over again. No, today he had a plan and he’d be damned if cute sleepy Zayn ruined it. “I thought you’d left,” Zayn mumbled into the crook of Harry’s neck.

“Not everyone makes promises then leaves Zayn, some of actually deal with our issues instead of running away.” It was petty. Harry knew it was petty and childish but he felt in this moment he deserved to be petty and childish.

Zayn froze and pulled away from Harry to lean against the counter. “Are we really doing this again?” He asked through clenched teeth.

Harry scoffed “Again? You do realize nothing's been resolved!”

“I want you and you want me what else is there to resolve!” Zayn raised his voice and Harry knew he was losing him. Zayn didn’t argue, he hated it, would rather storm off and not deal with it at all.

“ Are we monogamous? Are you my boyfriend? Are you staying in LA? What and when are we telling our families!” Harry responded in as soft a tone as he could manage. Putting working it out over releasing his frustration.

“If you want to be monogamous let’s be monogamous. If you want me to be your boyfriend, I’ll be your boyfriend--I told you that last night. I’ll go wherever you go. Tell them we love each other and that’s all they need to know.” Zayn sighed sounding exhausted, as if he was a balloon slowly deflating.

“Can you be monogamous?” It was the question that’d been going through him mind on a loop. He hadn’t wanted to ask, afraid of the answer,but he needed to know. He needed a promise.

“Of course I can.” Zayn bit back, defensive and suddenly recharged. 

“Is that what you told Perrie?” Harry rebuttled thoughtlessly making Zayn flinched like he’d been slapped. He hadn’t meant to say it, he hadn’t meant it so harshly or maybe he did. Especially when they hadn’t discussed the exact circumstances of the break up.

“Fuck you.” Zayn bit back again, “Who are you to come at me when you’ve never had a relationship more than a few months?” It was sad how quickly they fell back into bad patterns. Biting words and contests over who could get farther under the others skin. Too immature to think before they spoke and too proud of apologize after.

“At least I’m faithful! The only person you’ve ever been loyal to is yourself!” Harry’s voice is raising without his permission and Zayn’s out the door before he can finish his sentence. Of course Harry follows him into the backyard.  
If Harry wasn’t blinded by his anger he’d notice how nice it was. A large garden covers most of it, with a pool hidden to the side. It resembles something out of a fantasy novel with swooping trees and colorful flowers. Zayn makes his way to a small seating area, plush chairs set under the shade of a tree. A pack of cigarettes sit on the table and Zayn momentarily picks them up before throwing them back down. With a deep exhale Zayn plops down onto the chair and Harry joins him.

“We can’t keep doing this, we’re not going to get anywhere,” Zayn whispered staring at the ground. 

“I know,” Harry replied just as softly.

“I know you’re mad but we’re never going to get anywhere if you bring everything back to me leaving. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. There’s nothing else for me to say,” Zayn says earnestly taking Harry’s hands in his.

“It’s not just something I can get over.” Harry takes his hands from Zayn’s grasp, shaking his head. “You left me twice! How am I supposed to believe this time is any different?”

“I’m not saying get over it! I’m just saying that we’ll never get past this if we take every opportunity to tear the other apart.” The California sun beats down on their backs, the weather has improved but their moods stay the same.

“How do we get past this then because I’m still so mad Zayn, I wish I wasn’t because I love you and want to be with you, but I’m so mad.” Harry tries to swallow down the tears but it’s so hard and he’s so tired of fighting.

“I don’t know, maybe some things can’t be fixed.” Harry shakes his head, no, he doesn’t like that at all. That sounds like Zayn’s giving up and as tired as he is he doesn’t want to do that yet.

“I think we need to start over-” Zayn opens his mouth to interrupt but Harry shoots him a stern look and continues. “I know we can’t start over completely but I want to try again. I don’t want to look at you and see the guy that left me. I want to try and start over.”

“And how do we do that?” It’s the first time in the entire conversation Zayn has hope in his eyes. 

“Let’s go on a date.”

****

Zayn shows up on Harry’s doorstep at seven thirty on the dot, probably the first time in his entire life he isn’t late. He rings the doorbell nervously realizing he’s never actually been here before. Harry opens the door in his usual ensembl, tight jeans and an outrageous but stylish flowy shirt. His hair falls just past his shoulders in natural curls and he’s beautiful as always. Harry takes Zayn in as well dressed similarly in tight black jeans and a white t shirt.  
Harry invites him in and Zayn kicks his shoes off and trails behind him. Harry’s house is so Harry modern and unique. He takes in the paints on the wall, all sexual in nature,and can’t help but chuckle to himself. The sound is so familiar so welcome Harry turns around quickly, trying to catch it he nearly topples over. Zayn’s quick to off him steadying hands and they’ve ended up in a very familiar position. Harry towering over him and Zayn’s hands firmly on his hips.

“I don’t put out on the first date,” Zayn whispers and the mood is light again, both letting out real laughs.

“Idiot.” Harry snorts and grabs his hand pulling him toward the living room. It’s a big room with comfortable looking couches and an exorbitant amount of pillows that Zayn guesses usual don’t reside there. “I’ve ordered pizza, I was thinking we could have a casual night in.”

“Pizza like greasy cheesy pizza?” Zayn asks not being able to remember the last time he saw Harry actually ate pizza.

“Yes, Zayn, what other kind of pizza is there?” Lots of them. Lots of more healthy ones as well but that’s not the point, the point is Harry is trying to relax.

“None that I know of,” Zayn smiles. He tries to move along the conversation but has no idea what to say. He doesn’t remember it ever being this hard. “How’s, um, Lux?”

Harry absolutely lights up as he always does when Lux is mentioned.  
“Absolutely brilliant! Growing like a weed and already smarter than the rest of us.” Harry’s pulling out photos and gushing a mile a minute. Going on and on about the conversations they’ve had and the clothes he’s bought her. Completely enamored with everything to do with the little girl. This is Zayn’s favorite Harry. The one who is honest and open and entirely himself. Harry goes on about Lux for another fifteen minutes until he asks about Brooklyn and Zayn goes on in a very similar fashion. Showing him picture of her drawings and videos of her dance class. According to Zayn she is the best one in the whole class and Harry can’t help but agree.

Zayn talks until the doorbell rings signalling the pizza had arrived and Harry left to get it. Zayn took this moment to take a breath. He is here in Harry’s house trying to make it work he can do this.  
Harry returns with a pizza and two wine glasses in hand. He fills them up from a bottle of wine Zayn hadn’t even noticed was sitting on the coffee table. A deep red because that is one thing they can both always agree on--red wine is their favorite.

“This feels very uni except the wine is more than a few quid and your carpet costs more than most people's rent for a year.” Zayn laughs at his own comparison.

“Do you think we’d get along if we’d have met in uni?” Harry asks genuinely. He’d wondered this a lot during their friendship, relationship, whatever you call it.

“I think so. I could see use meeting in a lit class or something. You being the cheeky brat you are and never shutting up.” Harry liked the way Zayn said it, like it was something he’d thought about before.

“I think I’d stare at you from across the lecture hall and pine.” Harry chuckled but he meant every word, “You won’t even know I existed until I ended up saving you a seat every week when you were late.”

“Oh come off it, there will never be an universe alternate or otherwise where I’m not in love with you.” Zayn says the words so serious so truthfully that something very big in Harry’s heart feels like it’s clicking in place.

“I really missed you.” The contemplative and whimsical air is gone with Harry’s words and he almost regrets them. But Zayn’s giving him this look, like the one he gave him when he first said I love you. He basks in that look, in Zayn’s attention. Zayn who has his faults but never once talked down to Harry or made him feel small Who always sat through his long drawn out stories and never made him feel stupid for being excited. Who broke his heart but always fixed it. His Zayn who he’s so goddamn happy to have back.

“I really missed you too.”


End file.
